Editor's note (and by 'editor', I mean 'me'): I wrote this some time ago and looking over it, it does seem very heterocentred. Apologies for that - I've tried to make it more inclusive, but it does still read very much as a piece focusing on hetero poly relationships.
OH HAI YOU GUYS
So the point of this post is to try to think through some of the issues thrown up by a workshop I did on polyamory at the Sheffield LaDIYfest all-dayer a few months ago. In the run up to the event, I had a number of conversations with different women about poly.What I got out of them was primarily anger and pain. They made me wonder why it is that women tend to be less enthusiastic about poly than men, and often find the practice of being in non-monogamous relationships so much more difficult. It also made me think about my position as a woman who, although bi or queer or whatever terminology you prefer to use for it, tends to have relationships with men, and particularly men who are in relationship with other women. This post is about the things that I - and anyone else who is engaging in these kinds of relationships - can do to ease some of those pressures.
The primary point I wanted to address here was made by a woman who had been in poly relationships before but opted out because she felt that it wasn't for her. Her sense of the response from partners was that this was HER failing alone - that she was 'too insecure' to 'take responsibility for her own jealousy.' This was echoed in a number of the conversations I had.
There are two points I wanted to make about this. The first is simple, so it can go first:
It's probably best, in general, to be aware that preferences about the way that you organise your sex life really are just that - preferences. They don't make you cleverer or cooler or funnier or better in bed. They mean that some people like to run one relationship at a time, and some people like to run more. And some people like to not be in any relationships at all, and some people think the whole sex issue is a bit icky anyway and they'd rather be looking at the internet (not the sexy bits.)
The second point is this:
Jealousy is *not* simply the problem of the person who feels it. Feeling like shit about whatever your specific issue is is not a result of your relationship(s). It is the result of a system SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED to make people feel like shit so they buy more stuff. It may be the case that this stuff surfaces more quickly if you're doing poly, because your own insecurities are harder to ignore or deny when the situation you're in invites you to comparing yourself to someone else more directly than you might otherwise, but it is almost never the root cause.*
Jealousy, gender, and some things we could do about it:
Lol. Insecurity being gendered? Specifically insecurity about one's attractiveness to members of the opposite sex? Well, gosh. It's almost as if for thousands of years all financial and material and spiritual and economic security for women depended on the good will and approval, particularly the sexual approval, of men. It's almost as if historically, women have been considered less significant than men. It's almost as if we are still living with the effects of that ideology. It's almost as if there's... some kind of power imbalance in the relationships between men and women, and that a concomittant effect of that is that women tend to care more about how men respond to them than vice versa. Once you recognise that this is a thing, the notion that jealousy is something that people (which in hetero poly relationships disproportionately means women) should work through on their own, becomes highly, highly suspicious. Jealousy and pain is the responsibility of *everyone* in the relationship(s) - to varying degrees, to be sure, but the idea that there is *ever* a relationship in which the one person's jealousy has nothing to do with the other people involved is clearly so much b/s.
So, here are some suggestions about how to deal with this:
THE LESS JEALOUS PARTY: Try being nice, yo? Not just being nice as in 'pretending that it's not a problem and hoping it all goes away.' Being nice as in putting some effort into working out what the shit is that bothers the people that you're with. Telling the people that you're with that whatever their shit is, it doesn't matter to you. Working through your own shit. Trying to understand how jealousy is gendered - how much more crap some people will have to deal with than others - and that just because you don't have to deal with it directly, doesn't mean that said crap isn't relevant to you. Recognising that you can choose to perpetuate such crap, or try to challenge it. Recognising that doing so involves asking questions about your own behaviour and assumptions that may be a little uncomfortable. Recognising, ultimately, that this is not just someone else's problem.
THE MORE JEALOUS PARTY: This is harder. I think being aware of your own insecurities helps, and being aware that this is not just - or even primarily - your own shit, but a structural problem. Trying, as far as you're able, not to contribute to that shit further. This means not bitching about other people for the stuff that you're insecure about yourself. It means trying not to compare yourself to other people, even if that's really, really hard. It means trying to respond to your partner's other partners with good will. It means cutting yourself some fucking slack now and again, and if that's not possible, at least cutting yourself some slack about it not being possible.
Oh, hang on a minute. It's almost like this stuff is relevant to ALL heterosexual relationships. In fact, it's probably relevant to ALL relationships. It's almost like... being poly isn't that damn different to any other situation, you guys!
I'll just give you a minute to pick your mind up from the floor where I'm sure it's been blown.
More mind blowing insight into the wonderful world of sleeping with more than one person at a time at some point in the future when I get round to writing it!
*NB: My most pressing insecurities centre around body stuff. This does *not* mean that I think that thin = good. HOWEVER, I have had and still have all sorts of shitty FOOD STUFF that I will go into at another time and I feel that if I did not mention this, which is the primary way in which I feel inadequate about EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME, I would be a LIAR AND A FRAUD, which is kind of the exact opposite of what this blog is supposed to do. I plan to write about this more at another time, but here is not the place.
** I appreciate this is often more difficult than I'm making it sound.
