Tuesday 16 June 2015

Matthew and Moley at the Movies 1: Jurassic World

Matthew, a 30 year old with Downs Syndrome, and Moley, his intrepid P.A. whiz whiz whiz,  go to the cinema every week together. Today, they discuss Jurassic World. 

Moley: Well, this could have been way, way, worse. My main concern was that the film would completely ruin my enjoyable relationship with Likeable Chris Pratt, but fortunately his innate likeability more or less remained intact, so I can continue to watch re-runs of Parks and Rec unencumbered by the annoying slightly embarrassed feeling I now get when I see Kit Harrington in anything.* The basic conceit of the franchise - we probably shouldn't fuck with DNA, especially when such fuckery involves dinosaurs - remains unchanged - but in this iteration The Big Question it addresses itself to is the ethics of the human commodification of animal life. Bryce Dallas Howard plays Clare, the Park's operation manager (oh, oh, oh, for a Jurassic Park managed by Leslie Knope. You wouldn't have to worry about Corporate Interference in a Jurassic Park run by Leslie Knope.) a hardass corporate type, as we can all surmise from her immaculately dyed and untenably pointy Bob. We also know that she works too hard and probably has neglected ovaries because, unlike Likeable Pratt, she doesn't have a suntan and wears Impractical Items, such as shoes, when she's in the office. As Bob relaxes its iron grip on her scalp and also her soul, Clare learns important life lessons such as animals are people too and also don't fuck with Dino DNA. By the end, Bob has softened into a becoming feminine wispiness and Clare practically takes some of her clothes off so then in a completely unrelated turn of events Likeable Pratt thinks she's hot. The film closes with Clare realising that she has underestimated the Importance of Good Old Fashioned Family Values and that she better do some breeding with Likeable Pratt in double quick time, because even though she has been using the excuse of her 'career' or 'interest in Science' as an excuse to avoid UVB rays it's clear that the Biological Science Clock is a-ticking and if she doesn't have children soon she will probably TURN INTO a dinosaur.

Basically, there's a *lot* of annoying gender-essentialist nonsense in this thing, but dinosaurs are cool and Chris Pratt, the kids, and Clare are pretty watcheable. The plot isn't ludicrously involuted, and Colin Trevorro does a pretty good job of maintaining tension throughout, so despite my snottiness above, it's actually a pretty fun thing to see. I will admit that in some of the scenes where Big TechnoDino has interactions with Little TechnoDino I was reminded of the Bear-Pit scene between Baxter the Tiny Dog and The Big Bear with the Unpronounceable Name in Anchorman, which I'm fairly sure was not the intended effect, but this is not an entirely bad thing. In fact, the last 15 minutes of the thing felt as if they were moving towards the kind of kitschy overblown ridiculousness that it should have been trying for all along, so I retain hope for the next in the franchise too, especially if Likeable Pratt doesn't get so Likeable that he accidentally turns into Facebook and stops making films or something. The terrible politics were ignorable for about 70% of the time, and you did get to see an amazing three way fight between a TechnoDino, a T-Rex, and a Giant Shark. It was annoying that throughout the film makes a point of dwelling on the crassness and cruelty of using animals as a form of entertainment (in fact, this was probably the best made and most politically aware part of the film) but then didn't really seem to notice that it was doing exactly the same thing itself, but then how much self-awareness can you realistically expect in a Summer Blockbuster, eh? Sadly, not all movies can be Spy or Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, and seeing as I'm being paid to be there I suppose I shouldn't look a gift TechnoDino in the mouth. All in all: 6/10.

Matthew: A Masterpiece! Especially the scriptwriting and the growling! RAAAAAAAR!

*Spooks is probably the worst film I've seen this year. The only thing I remember hating more was Dumb and Dumber To which might actually be the worst film ever.  

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